The Thread of My Personality

If I look at my strengths and weaknesses, I generally end up seeing how they are woven together. I can see how my pitfalls have come into play and how my victories have been achieved.

One such thread of my personality is a little hateful thing called perfectionism. Most people probably have no idea what I'm talking about and probably scoff to think that I am a perfectionist. I try to keep a tight lid on my weaknesses and then again this makes the fabric of my personality, a symptom itself of my perfectionism. Why on earth, as a perfectionist, would I want people to know my weaknesses? Even as I write this blog, I struggle with the thought of posting it and people knowing my struggles. My mind wrestles with the thought of someone using knowledge about my weakness against me. COOL OUT, Laura, COOL OUT! (*with my best Will Ferrell impersonation (which isn't that good)) LOL

I struggle with procrastination and being idle. Now these things you probably have observed in me. However, they are only the leaves of this tree of perfectionism. Ever since I was a child, if I couldn't devote hours to a task or do it just the way I thought it should be done, I just wouldn't do it at all. Perfectionism has been the thief of good ideas and accomplishments. If my room was a mess, but I couldn't devote the time to dust it down to the very last kitschy item, then I simply wouldn't do it at all, and my room would become a disaster area. Sometimes, particularly with my job, if I can't see to the end of the steps or the details, I become completely overwhelmed and abandon the project altogether!

Perfectionism goes hand in hand with detail. Now I know people who are detailed. People who can talk and talk and talk and talk and detail a subject to death. As most of you know though, I am not a talker, so you wouldn't straight out know that I am a detailed person. I am a closet "detailler", so to speak.

I am very keen on comfort zones, which I am now realizing is a result of my perfectionism. Once I start a new chapter of life, it may take me a matter of months or years to develop my system for accomplishing things. I map them down to the details. So if a new chapter to life is introduced, I am not overly thrilled because this means I must map out a whole new way of completing tasks and getting through each day.

It is hard for me to delegate, because, as I've already mentioned, I have developed a system to accomplish a task and to watch or teach someone how to do it the way I do it is simply frustrating.

Frankly on the outside I come off as a pretty laid-back person but on the inside I am tightly wound. I find that I am quite good at allaying other people's stresses, while inside my own stresses/details/tasks are getting the better of me.

I expect a lot from myself and can in turn expect much from those around me. This leads me to my relationship with God.

While God is faithful to forgive my sins and weaknesses, I am not so easy on myself. I hold my flaws and bad deeds against myself, and while I know in my spirit that God has forgiven me so I should forgive myself, my  soul tells me that there is a long list ever before God's face of my misdemeanors. My spirit wants to live by grace, but my soul struggles to live by the Law. I know that if I live by the Law, I will be judged by the Law. Something about my perfectionist nature is drawn to this legalism; I can see in black and white where I have gone off track. Yet my spirit cries out for grace and mercy and to be released from this bondage, but my perfectionism views such a thing like a free-fall... completely out of my control.

Perfectionism is a prison that keeps you from the grace of God. Allow yourself to get lost in the deep of His waterfalls and allow His waves and breakers to wash over you. Lose control of yourself because that's the only way you'll be safe in Him. *Laura says to herself!