Like most people who have only lost someone they can really live without, we offer condolences to people as if their whole lives haven't been totally turned upside down. Because we can live without someone and have moved on, somehow we think that the feelings of someone else are the same and that their grief will be short lived, or rather we just forget that they are still hurting because we are no longer hurting.
Furthermore, we as Christians tend to offer condolences that are trite and perhaps have less heart than someone with no bearing in the Word of God would give. We think that spouting off a scripture from the Bible or giving the all too familiar "he/she is in a better place" speech is somehow all that is necessary. Granted, I know that offering condolences is a difficult task, especially for someone like myself who is better at writing notes than seeing someone face to face and offering off-the-cuff sympathies. Inevitably we reach into our trick box of sympathies, greetings, and small talk to get out of the face to face moment as quickly as possible. Somehow we have turned the living Word into a stale placating catch-all. We can't relate to the hurt, so our sympathies are minimized to mere words with little heart or just little understanding.
Beyond the material possessions and his own health, Job lost the things most precious to him in his life. His friends came to him with an air of pity but what they offered to him was instead accusation and trite religious rhetoric. In Job's time of grief, their lack of insight into his struggle threatened to sink him lower than he already was.
This life is full of sorrow and pain, and at some point in all our lives we experience something that strikes us at the very core of our being. However, we shouldn't have to come to the point of our deepest hurts before we are able to understand the hurts in other people's lives. Just because we haven't been through what someone else has been through doesn't mean we shouldn't be able to empathize with them and offer sincere comfort.
When Lazarus passed, Jesus did offer words of life to Mary and Martha and those that were present there, but more than that - Jesus mourned with them. Even though He knew there was hope - even though He knew that Lazarus was in a better place - even though He knew Lazarus was no longer in pain - even though He knew that He was going to raise him from the dead - even though! Jesus STILL wept and grieved with those who were grieving!
Yes, I know that my brother is in a better place. He is in the place that we all long to be. He is in the presence of the Lord. He is no longer in pain, no longer struggling and suffering. Yes, I know. But still I grieve. I grieve the loss. I grieve the life missed. I grieve the personality and the wisdom that has gone on. I grieve what was, and I grieve what could have been.
After the funeral, the world moves on, and loved ones are expected to slap on a happy face and continue with life status quo. Meanwhile, their hearts are wrenched.
Mercy is a gift from the Holy Spirit, but it should not be limited to the few. Mercy should be practiced by us all. Compassion is a part of love that is required of us all as followers of Christ.
By and large through the week of my brother's passing, Christians came up beside us and held us up in prayer and love. And many still continue to do so. I have been impressed especially with a church that my sister-in-law now attends that has truly been the heart of Christ extended to her and Ryan. But it saddened me, and more truthfully angered me, that some people who should truly know a better way, as they profess themselves followers of Christ, instead offered almost heartless sentiments that were more so biting than comforting or encouraging.
God created us with emotions. And while they are fallible, they are not to be ignored, hurried along, or treated as inconsequential. God cares about our feelings and will correct us when we are off mark. He does understand our grieving, and he does allow for the healing process to take place in our lives. Let us not be a people who offer empty words and sentiments, (even I have been subject to doing this when I'm not sure what else to do), but let us grieve with those who grieve, cry with them, and listen to them. Usually an ear and a hug are more valuable than any word spoken in indifference.
We must care about what God cares about, and God cares about His people who are hurting. Remember those who have lost someone, because they hurt long after we have moved on.
"Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world."
James 1:27
